I am a single divorced mom (just turned 40) with children 18 and 13. I belong to a fairly strict religious group, in which dating is forbidden as recreation (no ongoing "boyfriends") and only for those who are seriously considering marriage. Flirting is frowned upon as hurtful.

I really do not want to get married again (I had two hellish and abusive marriages). I've been on my own for 10 years and have not really dated for about 15 years. There are very few eligible men (mostly women; 3 to 1 ratio) in our church. An old friend who, at 42, has never been married (same church/different sector) did "ask me out" and immediately got very serious with me (buying jewelry, etc.). I did my best to tell him that I am not interested in re-marrying. He seemed to get the picture, but probably would marry me if I showed the slightest interest. I don't want to change my religion.

Any suggestions on how to be friendly with men, yet not give the wrong signal? Also, I would like to "do more for myself" but often feel guilty because I work full time and my son, who at 13, is at that volatile age and is a latchkey kid. I hear the horror stories and casualty statistics about single parents with teenage sons going astray and ending up in prison. I feel that I should sacrifice (AGAIN!) until he is "out of the woods." My daughter is pretty autonomous and well adjusted, as she is employed, going to school and stable.

Amy

You ask for advice on how to be friendly with men yet not give the wrong signal. I don't know what you mean by "friendly". If you have physical contact with a man, from kissing and on, you are giving the message that you are more than friendly.

You also state that you want to do more for yourself, but feel guilty because of your son. When a child has a strong sense of respect and love from his parent, his sense of self is strong, and if he has feelings of loneliness or of being left out he would be able to tell you. He is also at the age where it is important to have open and consistent discussions about how things are going in your household. It is important that you do things for yourself. The happier you are as a person, the easier it is for your son..

Linda, I was married 31 years and he left me. He told me Christmas Day he is engaged. My friend took me to meet some men and I was loud. Needless to say, they were not interested.

I lost it totally. I know you say self-esteem, but how do I fight for it? Linda, I really don't know what to do but I feel so lonely and my ex always told me I was stupid, fat, loud, etc. I do not know how to flirt or how to believe in myself. I prayed for God's help and then your site came up. I hope you can show me how to believe in myself. I do know God gave me many special qualities in my personality and I thank him for that, but I do not know how to get someone to be interested in me for me. I don't know how this is answered, but I wait for your help.

Crystal

You have been through a great shock, allow yourself time to heal. This is the time for you to take care of Crystal. My books along with many others could help you build your self image and begin to feel better yourself. By the way, from the verbal abuse you descibe from your ex-husband, I think he did you a favor. Embrace the fact that you are free to be yourself, or with someone who can really appreciate you. Don't rush it.

I recently met a nice person in a new circle of friends, after having moved from Ohio back to my home state of North Carolina. I've been out of the dating scene for a while and want to jump back in but don't want to be too eager or prone to misinterpret signals.

Our group gets together and plays cards a lot, for fun and socializing; more talking than card playing, you know. Lately, the same person has wanted to be my partner. During the evenings, there are times that we find ourselves making really long eye-contact, almost staring. There are occasional smiles and times we glance away or break the eye contact, but when we make this eye contact, it is very intense.

Don't get me wrong. I surely don't want to appear naive, but if I'm reading this right, this person is either flirting with me or is interested in me or something else. To top it off, this person's mate (they're not married, just dating) seems to have noticed something and is starting to act negatively toward me.

Do you have any advice for me? I have no intention of intervening in their relationship. I really just want to know if this person is interested in me, without coming out and asking. Can you help?

Tim

If your intuition is correct, move forward by letting her know you would like to ask her out, but would like to know when she is free to do so, and not involved with someone else. From her response you will know if you should back off or start seeing her.

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I am a very shy female and want to flirt with someone new. He works in a shoe store. I want to meet him and see if he is available however, I don't want to keep going in there buying shoes just to see him. Any advice?

Rosalie

It is important for you to find out if he is available. The next time you go in to buy shoes, ask something like "does your wife work here too?" Even if he isn't married, he may have a girlfriend. His response to your question, should give you some information as to whether you should pursue getting to know more about him. You could leave your business card and ask if you could meet for coffee sometime. If this is too bold for you, find out if you have any similar interests and if you could frequent the same place.