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 February 2003 A regular advice column published monthly in Singles Network, a publication for singles of all ages in the metro Denver, Colorado area. 
Dear Linda, Two years ago my husband died of cancer. He had been sick for several years and basically drained the life out of me as well. It was a loveless marriage after the first few years. I am 41 years old and have not had sex for 12 years. I am beginning to go out with my friends and met a man the other night. I ended up going home with him. I was really nervous and the whole event was basically a disaster. I knkow I will never see him again (I hope I don't) and I feel like a slut. I'm depressed, I feel like I will never have a normal sex life. Do you think there's any hope for me? Karen |
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Dear Karen, What I think isn't nearly as important as what you think. If you think you can or think you can't, you're right. Be kind to yourself. You have been through a lengthy trauma, and you are just now beginning to test the waters. Frustration comes from unmet expectations. Pay close attention to your expectations. It's not unusual for a person to seek validation that they are attractive after a relationship ends. Unfortunately, many people confuse cheap sex with being desirable. What usually happens is the person just feels CHEAP. Sometimes we confuse what
we want with what we need. What you need is a non-threatening, possibly
physical relationship with a person you respect, and at the same time
there are no expectations for anything more by either one of you. I suggest
that you slow down and set time frames. A dream with a plan becomes a
goal. |
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Dear Linda, I'm thirty years old and have never been married. I don't go to bars. I don't consider myself a "hunter". I've tried singles events, but I feel out of place. People seem to know each other and I get the message they don't want outsiders to interrupt them. I go home feeling worse than when I left. I can't hardly go anywhere any more, and I don't want to be alone the rest of my life. What can I do? Jim |
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Dear Jim, First, I have never known anyone who met somebody between the T.V. and the refrigerator. Second, don't expect from others what you are unwilling to give yourself. When you say "I get the message..." you are giving yourself permission to stay in the corner and feel sorry for yourself. Make it your responsibility to talk to five people at any event you attend. You can not control what other people think, so why guess? The next time you go anywhere I want you to look in the mirror and say "I hope I meet someone who is as interesting and exciting as I am tonight!" Continue to look in the mirror and repeat this phrase until you smile and realize that at least a small part of you believes it.
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Dear Linda, Last Friday I was out with my friends and this guy would not leave me alone. I told him I didn't want him to buy me a drink, but he wouldn't take no for an answer. He followed me around and I couldn't get rid of him, he ruined my night. What can I do so that doesn't happen again? Teri |
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Dear Teri, I consider a person who is clingy or pushy as a "difficult" person. When dealing with a difficult person you must be assertive with your messages. The more difficult the person is, the stronger your messages must be. For example, if someone offers you a drink and you don't want them to, smile and say "thank you very much, but I don't want you to do that". If he buys you one anyway, smile and say "you really shouldn't have done that", and don't drink it. If he continues to cling to you, ask him "why don't you buy a drink for someone you might have a future with?" If that message doesn't work, get the manager. |
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