A regular advice column published monthly in Singles Network, a publication for singles of all ages in the metro Denver, Colorado area.

Dear Linda,

I am new to Denver and want to join a singles group. It seems there are so many out there, it gets confusing and I don't have the time or money to explore all of them. Which ones do you recommend?

John

Dear John,

You're right. There are many singles organizations in the Denver area. For that reason, I believe it is important for you to find out which ones meet your needs. Make a list of your priorities, i.e. age range, cost, and activities desired. Any organization that won't give cost over the phone may be a "hard sell" company. Ask if there is a refund policy, how much is renewal, how long they've been in business, what is the ratio of men to women, and how would you be notified about events. Attend singles functions and ask people you relate with who they would recommend and why.

Dear Linda,

I have recently changed jobs, and am with an accounting firm that is dominated by men. It infuriates me when I am referred to as "Honey". Honey do this, Honey get that...... I get so frustrated I want to cry. Sometimes I think if I were married they would treat me with more respect. I feel they do this because I am equal in status to many of them, they don't call each other "Honey". I think it's demeaning, what can I do about it?

Donna

Dear Donna,

I don't think being single or married has anything to do with this scenario. Many people use endearing titles to simply be friendly, maybe wanting to break down "stuffy" barriers. I can't think of any situation in the workplace where the term "Honey" would be appropriate, or for that matter, babe, doll, sweetie, etc. Whether the men in your office are using this term to be endearing or to actually sabotage your professionalism by diminishing your power with name calling, it doesn't matter, IT'S WRONG. Also, whether they are intentionally doing this or not, IT'S WRONG. The next time someone calls you "Honey" in the workplace (or anywhere that offends you) look them straight in the eyes, SMILE, and say "my name is Donna". If it doesn't stop, next time look them in the eyes, tell them you find it offensive to be called anything but your name, which is Donna, and keep looking at them until they look away first. If it continues, it is sexual harassment.

Dear Linda,

I am an attractive 37 year old woman, (people think I look much younger) and I have been single for seven years. I have two sons, both teenagers. I lived with a man for 4 years, and it was a disaster. I met "Jack" and finally had the courage to get "Dave" out of the house, last year. Although I like the way Jack treats me, I feel empty. He takes me to the best restaurants, and on short trips, no one has ever done that for me. The problem is he doesn't want to meet my children, and I never spend any holidays with him. I know for a fact he isn't married, and I'm not even sure he'd be someone I would want to marry anyway. I have been so depressed lately I can't get out of bed, and until I meet someone else, I won't leave Jack.

Lynn

Dear Lynn,

First, it doesn't matter if Jack is married or not, you are treated like "the other woman" and it hurts. Second, you are paying for those trips and nice dinners with your self esteem and personal power which is diminishing with every trip and dinner. It is apparent you are a person who is uncomfortable alone, and must have someone else lined up before you let the other one go. To you, this behavior prevents you from feeling lonely. There is nothing more lonely than being in a relationship that depletes your self respect. If you don't take a break from partners and take time to take care of Lynn, you will attract men who see you as someone they can use because of your neediness.

I also sense that you put a great deal of significance on appearance. I believe you when you say you are attractive, however you are probably spending most of your energy on appearances, neglecting what's going on inside. The depression you experience is because you feel sorry for yourself, you can't understand why someone as attractive as you are hasn't been swept off your feet. Until you are able to work on your worthiness, your life pattern will not change.