A regular advice column published monthly in Singles Network, a publication for singles of all ages in the metro Denver, Colorado area.

Dear Linda,

Hi. I am a 33 year old woman and I am feeling somewhat confused about a certain guy in my life. I have known this guy for 17 years. My family met him and his brother when we were all going to the same church when I was a teenager. At the time, my sister started going out with his brother and I went out with the brother's friend. I always thought he hated me, based on what I perceived to be his aloof attitude. Apparently, he told his brother fairly recently that he had liked me back then. I never guessed.

Well, fast forward about 13 years and his brother and my sister started going out again after a long separation and have now been married 3 years. So he is my brother-in-law and there have been occasions to see him. At first, he still seemed cold but lately things have warmed up between us. He offered to help me move recently and then, on his own, offered to drive 4 hours to my new city. He also showed greater interest the last few times I saw him before moving by making eye contact and making conversation.

Before he went home that night of the move I was determined to say something to him, so I told him I thought he was very nice and that I liked him. This took me a lot of stuttering and stammering because I was soooo nervous. Nevertheless, at least there was some ground broken. His response was, "Let's see what the LORD has in mind." and he said he was glad I told him.

Now we are e-mailing each other but there is nothing being mentioned about a relationship. He has not called and I tried calling once but he never called me back. He is very nice in his e-mails but like I said, he does not make any kind of a move. I really like him ... and would love to have a relationship with him, based on what I do know about him. I have been single for quite a few years with a lot of time to get healthier in my attitude towards men. I'm just not sure what to do now. So far, I am just enjoying what is happening... but it's not hard not knowing much.

By the way, he apparently has only had one girlfriend in his whole life... and only for a few months. He is so so shy ... and that is a known fact. For him to e-mail me, I think is a big step for him. I just wonder if has other reasons that I am not aware of for not making any moves. Any advice?

Dear Ginger,

Your last sentence is the response I was planning to give you as I read your story. From what you have said, it would be wise to not expect anything more than a casual friendship with this fellow. Invest your attention to people who are available and responsive. I know this may not be easy for you, but the sooner you face the reality of the relationship, the less painful it will be.

Dear Linda,

My wife and I are happily married, we are both in the military. Recently she was deployed to Kuwait for a year. We have talked on the phone every day and email each other constantly. There is nothing wrong with our relationship and we trust each other fully. We like to say we are soulmates.

When she called me the other day, she mentioned that while in line at the mess-hall, she was talking to a "cute" Marine who was standing in front of her. After a while she noticed she was flirting, and she excused herself from line and went back to her room, all the while saying "I love Jose, I love Jose".

She told it to me jokingly, and I laughed along, but later on it started to bother me. Why would she flirt with another guy? Is the sexual urge so strong that it could override normal feelings? Why would she have to repeat to herself over and over that "she loves me", as if she needs to be reminded? We are very open with each other and encourage each other to be so, but I really didn't want to hear this.

I sent her a nice email asking her a few things about the incident (it was not accusatory or anything) and she became quite angry, saying I didn't trust her. I have since dropped it, but do I have grounds to worry? Why would a happily married woman flirt with another guy? Do otherwise happy women flirt with guys as a norm? Is there a need for a woman to flirt to see a reaction, to see if they are still sexy? I always thought flirting was the process of communicating to another person that he or she is interested, mostly for relationship reasons like sex or a boyfriend or life partner. No? Please help, as my mind is a jumble or emotions right now.

PS. I have no intention of leaving her, I am mostly just trying to find the answer to the question: Why would a happily married woman unintentionally flirt with another guy?

Dear Jose,

Dear Linda,

I have been going out with my highschool sweetheart for 6 years. I am now a junior in college. In the beginning of our relationship we had sex, but in the last 4 years, we have not had sex at all. I love him a lot, but I can't have sex with him because I am not sexually attracted to him anymore. We have become like best friends more than boyfriend-girlfriend. When do I know there is no more hope for the relationship? How long can I let this drag on, with him saying he's going to change? (and act more like a boyfriend) We love each other too much to want to end the relationship, but I am beginning to think its just not going to work out.

Dear Debra,

Your question to me was "how long can I let this drag on?" From what you have told me, your relationship is a friendship, not a romantic one. That may never end. Romance may never start again. Decide what you want, tell him, and then you will know.

Dear Mariel,

From what you have told me it sounds as though your boyfriend is quite insecure. His need to know of your past may give him a sense of control that could help him feel empowered. If he had positive self esteem, he would not need to go outside of himself for power. This type of behavior usually doesn't get satisfied, and it could be an ongoing need for him to know "everything". I would suggest that you tell him that he knows everything he needs to know, see how he handles it, and then you will know if you want this to be a long term relationship.