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 May 2003 A regular advice column published monthly in Singles Network, a publication for singles of all ages in the metro Denver, Colorado area. 
Dear Linda, What's wrong with men? They behave like animals. I love to dance, but I can't go out and have a good time without them hanging all over me and getting all excited. People tell me I'm a good dancer, they even ask if I've been a stripper. I'm just sensous, that's all. Why can't a woman be herself and not worry about men losing control? Tina |
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Dear Tina, Nothing's wrong with men. What's wrong with you? If you dress and act like you're sexually available, you're going to be treated that way. I compare your behavior to that of waving candy in front of a child and saying, "This sure looks good, I'll bet it tastes good too! BUT YOU CAN'T HAVE ANY!!!" What is the point? We control the way people treat us by the way we behave. You don't have to change the way you dance, just dance in the bathroom and keep the door locked. As women, it is our responsibility to let men know how we want to be treated. I suggest you work on yourself, you are not going to change men, but you have tremendous power to change yourself. |
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Dear Linda, My daughter (Megan) is 10 years old and I've been a single mother for two years. She never sees her father and I'm having a real hard time with her. I have a boyfriend now, and he's trying very hard to fit in, but I might lose him because of her. I'm losing control over her. She's not doing well in school, and she yells at me and calls me names. We are in counseling, but I don't see much improvement. What can I do?Anne |
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Dear Anne, Your daughter has feelings of abandonment. She lost her father, and now she's losing you, to a man. It is crucial for you to let her know how valuable she is to you. Do something special for her everyday. Put notes in her lunch box, put a candy bar on her pillow with a note telling her how much you love and RESPECT her. The greatest gift a parent can give a child is that of a positive self image and self esteem. You may want to consider backing off from your boyfriend for a while. If he's understanding, he'll give you space. If he's not, why would you want him in your life anyway? |
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Dear Linda, 've been in a relationship with a woman (Jane) for over 5 years. I have a history of being a batterer and have struggled to get a handle on my behavior. To make a long story short, I've gotten help and have been able to direct my stress in more productive ways. I have not been physically abusive for over a year. Lately, Jane has been unreasonable, trying to start fights and throwing things at me. I feel like I might lose it and I have to leave the house. I don't want to end this relationship. I'm afraid no other woman will put up with me. I don't know what to do. Jim |
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Dear Jim, Yes you do. You've already told me what you need to do. You just don't want to face it. First, it sounds to me that when you first met Jane, you were meant for each other. She was passive and you were aggressive. Both of you were suffering from low self esteem and worthlessness. People in these relationships can live together forever (albeit UNHAPPILY). However, when one person in this scenario gets healthy, the relationship ends, the game is over. The one who stays unhealthy fears being left behind and will do whatever it takes NOT to be alone. Let me make this analogy -- when two crabs are in a wire basket, and one begins to get out, the crab that is left behind will try to pull the other one down to keep it from getting out. So it is with people. You stated, "I have to leave," you know in your heart that is what you have to do. Leaving isn't always running away. Often it is the best solution for all involved, and takes much more courage than staying. |
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Dear Linda, I am having a problem at work. I am a paralegal and work for three lawyers. One in particular has made advances to me. I've told him several times I don't want to go out with him, and now he's making my life miserable. He undermines my work and now the other lawyers are questioning my ability. What can I do? Lori |
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Dear Lori, Sexual harassment takes many forms. Some are subtle and some are not so subtle. Because of new laws, perpetrators and victims have rights and guidelines to follow. Historically, 95% of perpetrators are male, with 95% of victims being females. The more overt sexual advances are easier for the victim to address. In other works (I will exaggerate to make my point), if a man says "Let's go to bed", and a woman responds "No, and don't ask me again", a foundation has been established. If the man asks again, he is guilty of sexual harassment. As woman, we must be clear with our messages. Some men are terrified in the workplace, and understandably so. As with any new awareness, things may appear a bit out of hand and 'worms' will take advantage of a situation, even if it involves the President. However, most of us simply want a pleasant, safe work environment where we can be competent and productive. In your case (a subtle form of harassment), I recommend that you document situations and circumstances that have caused you unnecessary stress. Be accurate with dates, times, place, works, witnesses, etc. This will increase your credibility. A word of caution -- your witnesses may choose not to support you in order to not jeopardize their position, and your efforts to resolve the situation may be hopeless. Accept that. Life isn't fair -- we all know it. Always have Plan A and Plan B. Plan A is the situation improves because of your efforts. Plan B is you find a better work environment. |
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