A regular advice column published monthly in Singles Network, a publication for singles of all ages in the metro Denver, Colorado area.

Dear Linda,

I am a divorced single mother. I have been divorced for two years now and really not ready to get back in the swing of things. Lately I have been attracted to a co-manager where I work. He is also divorced and very nice. I have discussed this with my two good friends and they told me to just go for it. But I have one problem, I don't even know where to begin. I used to have no problem doing this sort of thing, but now I am chicken. Please give me some advice.

Jacci

Dear Jacci,

The best place to begin is with conversation. Plan to be in the same place at the same time as he is, and at first, just talk about work related issues. Test for his comfort level by moving toward him while you are talking with him. If he moves back, he is subconsciously giving you the message that he isn't ready to move forward. If he moves toward you he is saying, nonverbally, that he is interested, and you should continue. Finally, if he stays in place without moving forward or backward, he is simply "neutral" and it is up to you to decide where you want to go with it. Good Luck!

Dear Linda,

I am a widower of two and a half years now. I have two daughters that are very precious to me. I did not have any plans to ever date again after losing my wife.

Then one night at a friend's wedding reception I was introduced to his cousin. We hit it off immediately. I feel that I have found what I think is the right lady for me, yet there are some things I am unsure of. She lives a few hours away, but her parents live near me. We see each other at least two to three times a month and we converse by telephone every night. She is planning to move back home in June and we have even discussed a possible marriage some day.

My problem is this: she is always flirting, everywhere! At work, parties, social functions, etc. It is innocent flirting for the most part, sometimes it has to do with a sexual nature. What I would like to know, is why? What is it that makes her feel she needs to do this? Is it something that she is lacking in her life? From what I understand, she has always been this way. I don't think she will ever change, and I know this is something I will have to deal with. I just think that if I understand why she does this, it would help me to be able to cope with it a little better. Can you help me with this problem? I would greatly appreciate any information on this subject.

Steve

Dear Steve,

The behavior you describe stems from insecurity and a feeling of low self esteem. It could be something you will get used to. On the other hand, her behavior could become more extreme and she may demand more of your attention, or continue to seek validation from outside sources. I would use caution, and go slowly with this relationship.

Dear Linda,

About two months ago, I met Alan when I was "out with the girls". He was alone and asked if he could join us. He made it clear that he was interested in me, and I was very attracted to him. He said he sold computer systems, but he didn't have a business card and just gave me his cell phone number, which is all I still have.

To make a long story short, we've been going out since then, and he is wonderful! He treats me so well, the physical part of our relationship is the best I've ever had and I don't think I'll ever find anyone who is so perfect for me. However, he still hasn't invited me to his place, and I don't even know where he lives. At first it didn't matter to me, but I'm beginning to feel like there is a void in our relationship. What can I do to get him to open up and not be so guarded?

Amy

Dear Amy,

There is a void in your relationship because it's not really a "relationship". People who can't trust can't be trusted. I know I'm going to get a lot of mail on this one, but I don't trust a man who I meet who is alone, with no business card, and only gives me his cell phone number. He wants to remain anonymous for a reason.

I think you're trying to fit a square peg in a round hole, and it won't work. There is NOTHING you can do to change his behavior, except change your behavior and see how he responds. You sound a little needy to me, like this is your last chance. I think you're playing with fire and you need to distance yourself or you're really going to get burned. Enjoy his company, but expect nothing from this guy - from what I can see, that's all you're going to get.

Dear Linda,

My wife left me two months ago after a 10 year marriage. I thought things weren't so bad, except that she kept nagging me all the time. I realize now I didn't listen to her because I thought she would get the message that if I didn't do what she asked me to do, she would give up on it and leave me alone. There's more, but I really think she should give me another chance. Early in our marriage, I did get rough with her, because I saw my dad hit my mother unmercifully. She made me stop that. Why can't she see that if I could change that, I can change and be a better listener too? We have two children who need me around, but I don't know if I can go on living. Please help.

Dan

Dear Dan,

You're suffering from what I call "the strong silent type syndrome" which is maybe the single most detrimental quality a man can have that will prevent him from having fulfilling and loving relationships in his life. I believe this is a learned trait, and like anything that is learned, it can be unlearned.

You have a lot going for you. You recognize your faults and you're willing to work on them and even CHANGE. Realistically, if it were only a matter of being a better listener, she most likely would give you another chance. I would have to hear her side to have a clearer perspective on what's really going on. But the issue at hand is you, and how you can get on track and find life worth living.

There are many support groups available for newly single people. Look in your local singles newspaper, attend churches, take classes and visit groups until you find one or two that are comfortable to you - make yourself attend two groups a week. This is an opportunity for you to work on YOU. I recommend that you avoid any romantic encounters at this time. It would be dangerous for you and whoever you might meet.

Enjoy your children, develop a close, loving relationship with them, practice LISTENING to them, and although your relationship with your wife is not on the terms you would like, you can develop a friendship and she can learn to respect you. I would like to hear back from you in two months.