September 2003

As an intelligent African woman from an all white suburb, it is very frustrating to leave my house because I am bombarded by black men who will never leave me alone. Not only do they ogle me lustfully, whisper in my ear crude sexual comments, but also follow me around. I never dress provocatively, however, so I do not understand their need to do this.

Other men from different races come up to me politely to ask me out, however, sadly I have had only many, many, MANY negative interactions with black men. I definitely do not believe all Black men behave in this animalistic way towards women. My brother and father and several other male students that I met are great examples of how all men should behave.

However, the majority that I meet are disrespectful and obviously believe that women are just objects. Please, how can I get this behavior towards me and other black women to end??? Please give me some ideas; I am at my wit's end!

A.W.

Dear A.W.,

I respect your frustrations, and I agree with you that all black men do not behave this way. The fact that the sexual needs between men and women are so different it's amazing that we have been able to reach any agreement on what is appropriate sexual behavior.

You have touched on a subject that has become increasingly interesting to me, so I will elaborate. I feel as we have evolved, i.e., birth control, women working and supporting themselves, invetro pregnancy, etc., women now have extreme power, and men are losing it. It's not surprising that they are not happy about that. Women today no longer HAVE to stay in relationships that are not satisfying to them, nor do they feel obligated to have sex when they don't want it. Patriarchal society is diminishing in my opinion.

Now, back to you!! I feel it's important to let people know when they have stepped over your boundaries. When you feel insulted by sexual remarks, I suggest you look the person in the eye, use a normal tone of voice, and if not a smile, at least a non offensive expression, and respond with a statement. Depending on the severity of the insult (use gentler comebacks with the not so serious insults) some suggestions would be:

• If you meant that as a compliment, it sounds more like an insult to me.
• That statement REALLY makes me want you.
• You probably need to get a blow up doll.
• I can understand why you're lonely.

It's important not to show anger (that gives them power). Instead, use an attitude of pity.

These are just some suggestions. As you can imagine, I too have found some men to be absolutely pitiful. I'm thankful I'm a woman. I hope you find a wonderful man who can appreciate you and treat you the way you deserve.

I really appreciate your help. I agree with you that women are having more power, which is great. I am proud that there are more women ready to seize the day. However, in the media women appear foolish, subordinate, and downright slutty. You have given me great tips on what to say to men when they harass, frustrate and annoy me, but what can I do to PREVENT the situation altogether? Thank you!

A.W.

As frustrating as it is to get unsolicited attention, there are many women (so MANY women) who would give anything to get ANY attention, and would trade places with you in a heart beat. I can only suggest that you carry yourself with great confidence, and present yourself as a person who won't take any trash from anyone. This can be done by being assertive, and still feminine.

Men hate rejection. Most people do. If they have any clue that you will snub them in the bud, they'll back off.

It could be that although you don't present yourself in a suggestive manner, the message could be that you appear submissive or defenseless. Animals will "attack" if they sense those qualities. You may start to look these men straight in the eye; they will more than likely back off. My guess is you try to avoid them, which almost gives them permission to harass (in their mind). Think of them as harmless three-year olds in a playground, they will get the message. (I hope!) Remember not to act threatened or upset; they feed on that behavior.