October 2003

I have been married for 5 years and have a 2 year old daughter. For the last 2 1/2 years, the relationship between me and my husband went sour. He is very hot tempered and becomes verbally abusive to me in a lot of ways in different situations. At first, I comforted myself by crying behind doors, although I did let him know that I was hurt. It went on and on and I have forgiven him over and over again. Now, I am at a point where I have lost any passion for him. I learned to "build a wall" and kept a space between us hoping that it won't hurt me so much whenever he becomes abusive to me.

We've talked about our relationship but I never really told him that I hated him as a husband. I did tell him that I wanted to leave. He asked for "a chance" and I agreed. I tried to make it work but deep inside, I was not happy with what I was doing. It irritates me when he touches me. I refuse to make love to him. I don't like the idea of going out on a dinner date with him when he asks me. I don't like to make plans for the weekend with him. Sometimes I think about what is going on and tend to blame and tell myself I should have not let this go this far. Then I reassure myself that I did not know it was going to get this bad.

I want to leave but I'm having second thoughts. I am worried about our daughter's future. I don't know if I'm ready to be alone or I might realize that I still love him. I know he wants to stay because we both do good financially together, but I am not sure if he wants me to stay because he still loves me. I recommended counselling but he does not buy the idea. Please help me.

Maria

Dear Maria,

You have clearly explained the process of a battered woman. The pain, the anger, the acceptance and the decision to leave. I recommend that you read the book, "The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans. She eloquently explains the dynamics of an abusive relationship. If you perceive your future as overwhelming, it will be. If you see it as a challenging adventure, it will be.

I have a problem. I am seeing a guy who is twenty years older than me. It sort of started as more of a professional relationship, but I would like to progress it further. He is a fascinating man and will give me hours of his time (lunch, dinner, etc.) I flirt outrageously with him (touching shoulders, back, etc.) But I cannot read the signals that he gives back. Whenever we are out he sits very close to me, points his body toward me, but he has never been anything but really nice, depsite the fact I don't think I could be any more obvious. I have told him I think he's gorgeous, but he seemed more surprised than anything that I would say such a thing. The situation is complicated by the fact that I am in a position to make a big difference to the organization which he heads. This makes me think that he may have another agenda entirely. What should I do, I'm so confused.

Valerie-Ann

If you are 18 and he is 38, I would say you are asking for trouble. If you are 35 and he is 55, you may have more in common. You state that he leads an organization, and his agenda may be different then yours. By all means, let him make the first move.