A regular advice column published monthly in Singles Network, a publication for singles of all ages in the metro Denver, Colorado area.

Dear Linda,

I'm an attractive and "in shape" woman. My problem is that men my age seem to let themselves go. Some of my biggest complaints are: their stomachs hang over their belts, they comb a few long pieces of hair from one ear to the other to hide bald spots, and frankly, they are cheap!!! Where are the quality men who feel good about themselves and look it too!?

Anne

Dear Anne,

As women have evolved to keeping themselves in shape, I think men are getting the message. A little effort can make a big difference. There are many quality men out there, remember, it only takes one!

Dear Linda,

My husband passed away 11 months ago. A former co-worker advised me to take a trip to "get away from it all." I took her advice and went on the trip of a lifetime, to Greece, in December.

While I was on this trip, I met "Richard", a gentleman who had lost his wife. We hit it off and spent a lot of time getting acquainted. At one point, he bought me an expensive gift, which I tried to refuse, but he insisted I keep it. It was something I had admired but was too costly for my budget. I am not poor; I own my home, car, have some savings and own some stock. I live on a fairly small widow's pension, but if I budget and am careful I'lll do fine.

After we returned to the states, Richard called me regularly, sent me flowers when I was hospitalized and has generally been a good friend. The problem is his daughter, "Liz". She dislikes me intensely. Richard arranged to visit me for a week to meet my friends and family. They thought he was terrific and were happy for us. When I went to visit him, he had a welcome poster printed and hung in his living room. When Liz saw the poster, she tore it down and threw it in the garbage. She informed me that she did not welcome me and thought I was a "fortune hunter". She even threatened to hit me!

Liz tried to convince her father to give her power of attorney while he was out of town, as she has been handling his finances for him. His sister advised him not to let his daughter run his life and that he should take Liz's name off his checking account and take care of his own bills. Of course, Liz thinks this was my idea. I tried to explain to her that I have no designs on her father's money, if he has any, and that we're just good friends who enjoy traveling together.

When we first got together, I told Richard I would not see him if his daughter objected. The problem is, he told me he would just "give up on life" if we couldn't see each other, and he'd rather be dead than lonely. Dear Linda, I am 56; Richard is 72. He lives in Michigan and I live in Montana, and neither of us wants to remarry, as it would complicate our lives. Any advice you can give me will be greatly appreciated.

Lonely in Montana

Dear Lonely,

If you enjoy Richard's company and have no plans to marry him, then ignore the daughter and get on with having a good time. If on the other hand, you were planning to be "family", I would give you different advice. Realize that Liz will do whatever she wants to, it's up to you not to let her control your happiness.

Dear Linda,

I have been going out with a guy for a year and 7 months. You can say this is my first "real" boyfriend. So, things were amazing for a long time, and yet lately, I seem to need time for myself. Problem is, this is the type of dramatic man that takes everything too seriously. Somehow he makes everything seem like it was my fault. I've always been afraid of telling him that he is sometimes wrong because he gets so angry and treats me like an inexperienced child. I've never taken a stand or have been true to my feelings. Not healthy, huh?

I realize now that my feelings for him have changed. I don't think I'm in love with him anymore. I have a strong feeling that I would be better off without him, and yet I don't know how to talk to him. How can I just walk off one day, suddenly saying that I don't love him? Will he understand the amazing change I've been through? Is there anyway of hurting him the least possible? I sometimes cry of frustration. I really want to break up and yet I'm too "nice" to do it... Help!

Judy

Dear Judy,

Not being able to end a relationship with someone you don't want to be with is not an indication of being too "nice". What it does indicate is low self esteem and submissiveness. Some people think it's easier to do nothing than to take action, not realizing the price they are paying by avoiding the real issue.

I suggest that you do yourself (and him) a favor by letting him know that you are not the right person for him and that you wish him happiness in his future relationships. Do not waver and restart the relationship. Make plans with friends to fill the time you did spend with him. Stay strong, and Good Luck.

Dear Linda,

I am writing because I am at my wits end. I am a wonderful, inspirational, talented, beautiful human being. However, I was recently told and know this to be true from personal experiences, that I just don't "have it". Now, I don't know what "it" is, only that it must have something to do with flirting. I go out regularly with two friends, whom are both "taken" and consistently they are approached by men. I don't see what they are doing to attract this as we are all engaged with one another at the times of approach. I am not ugly, but I have no finesse for flirting. I am brutally honest with myself and sort of with others because of the 12 step program I am in, but I feel that this has transformed me into a wonderful human being. I desperately want to posess that "it" that attracts others. I have no idea where to start - where would you send me?

T

Dear T,

Having what people call "it" is energy that comes from within you. Many people protect themselves by controlling their energy, and for a variety of reasons. The primary reason is to avoid pain. After all, if we like people and they don't like us in return, well, that's rejection, right?? Maybe it is, but I love rejection, it just gets me that much closer to the next person who won't reject me. I have often said that Hell for me would be in Heaven with nobody there. Also, work hard at not taking rejection personally. If you truly BELIEVE you are a wonderful, worthwhile person, others will believe you too.