November 2003

I am terrified right now because I care about this man so much. I met him during the spring and after a couple of weeks of what seemed to be relationship bliss, he pulled away. I understood, because he lost his wife less than two years ago and was left to raise their new born daughter all on his own. I was the first woman he had dated since. So we decided to be friends and our friendship is truly wonderful. We laugh so much together and are so much alike. I have always felt so at ease and so happy with him.

Over this past weekend we went out drinking with a couple that he is really close to. They seemed to love me, and as the night progressed he showed me a side of him that I had never seen. He told me that he tried so hard to put up a front with me because he was so scared of being heart broken. He told me that I am perfect and that he loves me. I care so deeply for him and that night was pure bliss.

But I feel so confused right now and have had so much pain with regards to relationships that I know I had my guard up with him too. However, considering what he is dealing with, the fact that he was drinking, and also that he is in the Air Force and has to leave for a whole year in Korea in January where do I go from here????

Leanne

Dear Leanne,

I suggest you keep a safe distance, not only for yourself, but for him as well. Giving him space at this time of his life will be to your benefit in that he will be able to come to terms with his situation and make decisions for healthy reasons. I realize this will difficult for you, but in the long run, it will be best for both of you.

I've been dating Dan for a year and 7 months. In all this time he has never introduced me to his family. He said he doesn't get along with his mother, but he has a grandmother he adores, a brother, etc. and he never includes me on holidays or other events. All my family is in another country. He comes over and spends the night, and I resent that he expects me to be there and available whenever he wants me. About a month ago I told him I wanted my space, that I was tired of spending holidays alone and not being included in his life. As a result of this, he has asked me to move in with him, and he introduced me to his grandmother. I just feel it's too little too late, my feelings aren't the same, do you think I should be more forgiving?

Anne

Forgiving him will not create love or passion. This is not an uncommon scenario. More frequently, women will "put up" with a situation they don't like even though they voice their opinion, they don't FORCE it, so men don't think it's a big deal. As in your case, a year and seven months is a long time to put up with such a frustrating situation, and it's important to see your responsibility in the miscommunication. All the time you allowed him to treat you that way, you were giving him permission to do so. Unfortunately, by the time a woman has had enough, he thinks "she must mean it this time", not only does she mean it, but it's over. From his behavior he sounds like he is controlling, and he may not leave this relationship quietly. Be careful.

Dear Linda,

I've been dating Marie for 2 years. At first everything was great, I almost moved in with her. I got cold feet when she started acting possessive and got jealous when we would go out and an attractive woman would look at me. We have a great sex life together, but I want more. I'm ready for a loving relationship and I know as long as I am with her, I probably won't find what I am looking for. A couple of months ago, I tried to break it off but she's going crazy on me and tells me if we break up she'll kill herself. This really scares me and I can't seem to deal with the guilt. Do you have any suggestions?

Joe

It was wise of you to notice the red flags that possessiveness and jealousy wave. She's now using fear to control you, and it's working. Ask her what she really wants in a man, and from what she tells you point out that you are not the one for her. By that I mean, for example, if she wants a man who loves her as a life partner, you are not the one for her. If she says it doesn't matter, that she can't live without you, make it clear to her that it DOES matter to you, and because you have respect for her, you want her to find the love she deserves.

No.