December 2003

Jill

The last thing you want to do is come on to him in front of others. This could embarrass him terribly, since he sounds shy. I would give him a note and suggest that you meet for coffee or a drink. This will give him space or an opportunity to move forward. Be prepared, however, because he may not be ready. Can you handle the rejection if he isn't ready?

I cannot believe I am writing this! first, "are there any ladies left that have morals and that don't jump and screw around with the first guy that seems to have better things?" I am 43, male, employed, slender, and I raise my three boys on my own. For five years I have been trying to find someone that is trusting, sweet, loves to smile and has morals. No luck! Most shy away when they discover I have children. My boys are very well behaved and mannered. Maybe I have been out of it too long or I expect too much for this day and time. Any suggestions?

Ron

I don't know the circumstances under wich you meet these women, however I suggest you pursue women who have similar interests that friends may introduce you to. You may want to check out placing a personal ad explaining what type of woman you are looking for. You may be surprised that many women may find that attitude refreshing!

I am a teacher and the person that I am interested in is the assistant principal at my school. What parameters would you define as acceptable versus sexual harassment?

Suzanne

Good question. Being that you are the subordinate, you have the advantage of pursuing without being accused of enticing with promises of a promotion. On the other hand, your situation could subjected to the gossip of "sleeping with the boss to get special favors," etc.

The parameters for sexual harassment are usually outlined in the employees' handbook, or in your case, the county in which you teach. As far as what is "acceptable" I suggest you pay attention for messages from the assistant principal such as FLIRTING, and if he does flirt with you, give him encouragement. In this case, I would let him be the aggressor. You could embarrass yourself personally as well as professionally if he does not feel the same way you do.

I've been dating a man for the past 9 months. When we met he had just become unemployed. He told me that he was going to get a job, but he did not. He has many problems -- he does not like his family and is stuck in that "blame" stage. He has taken me to the cleaners as far as money goes. He has many problems with the law etc. I let him move in with me and put his name on the lease and I regret this now. My lease is up in September and I am planning on leaving him. I don't want to tell him until the middle of August for two reasons. First, he is going to work in the summer and I want to get some money back. Second, he will try to talk me into staying. I just need someone to tell me if I'm doing the right thing or not. Is it wrong to wait till August to tell him? Please help!

Kathy

I often tell people to tread VERY carefully when a person does not talk to members of their family. This is often a red flag of serious communication problems, and those problems are usually not isolated just to family members.

The second red flag is unemployment. It's unfair to expect someone who is unemployed to be able to start a new job, and also begin a new relationship. Wait until the person is established in their new work before beginning anything hot and heavy. If the unevmplyed person insists they can do both, do yourself a favor (which you have already learned) and back out. Chances are, they want to use you.

None of this really helps you since you have been through it, and now need direction in dealing with him. I don't believe you are wrong to wait until August. He sounds abusive, and the last thing you want to do is give him time to develop a plan of attack. Your plan for "escape" is justified and wise. It sounds to me like you are one track. You can thank him for being a messenger of lessons you had to learn and forgive yourself for the mistakes you made. You have survived very well and I encourage you to look forward to freedom and move forward.